You Can Be The Remedy
by DrSusanLewisER
Summary: Susan is depressed. Carter tries to help. Susan tries the unthinkable. Carter is there for her. Absolutely 100% CARSAN!
1. Chapter 1

AUTHOR: Jennifer  
EMAIL: webmaster@melaniechisholm.net  
CATEGORY: JC/SL  
RATING: PG  
SPOILERS: Seasons 1 and 2  
ARCHIVE: Yes, just e-mail me, please!  
DISCLAIMER: Nothing belongs to me. Everything belongs to the amazing people who create ER.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is my first attempt at a Carsan story. There needs to be more Carsan stories out there, so people, start writing!!  
SUMMARY: Carter finds Susan heart-broken and tries to console her.  
  
I feel so empty now that she's gone. For so long I was alone and then she came into this world, into my world. She brought me a year of happiness, although, many days I thought I couldn't handle it all. Work, Kerry breathing down my neck, taking care of Little Susie, worrying about Chloe. All that added up to stress, stress that I didn't need to add to my already hectic life. But it was all worth it when I saw that little girl smile. Her smile always made my days go by a little faster. Now that she's gone I don't know what to do.  
  
I decide to take a walk around the city to keep my mind off things, specifically Little Susie. It's a rather chilly night for being May and I figure it's best to bring my jacket. I walk over to the coat rack and notice something out of the corner of my eye. Sitting on the coffee table is the music box Carter gave me two Christmases ago, and for a moment I think of him. It brings a little smile to my face and I wonder what would've happened if I did let him kiss me that night.   
  
I walk out of my apartment building and feel the breeze hit my face. My jacket comes in handy because I find myself stuffing my hands into the pockets to keep warm. I walk around for a bit and finally end up sitting on a bench along the water. I glance at the skyline and admire the beauty of the city lights. My mind wanders and I start thinking about all the people in Chicago, in the very buildings I'm staring at. But eventually I come to my senses and realize how depressed I am. I need someone here with me, to help me get through this. I don't want to be alone.  
  
My head falls down and I take a look at my watch. 9:42. It seems so much later. Susie really did take up most of my free time. Now that I have more of it the time passes by so slow. I don't have her smile to get me through the day anymore.  
  
"Susan?"  
  
I slowly turn around to find Carter standing behind me.  
  
"What are you doing here?" he asked.  
  
"I just needed to think, get away from everything."  
  
"You should be home. Don't you have an early shift tomorrow?" Carter sounded a little concerned, but tried not to pry into my personal problems.  
  
"Yeah, don't remind me. I won't be able to sleep anyway so I might as well keep my mind off things." He doesn't know what things I'm taking about.   
  
Carter walked around the bench and sat beside me. "Susan, are you ok?"  
  
"Yeah. I...I'm fine." I lied to him. I am far from being fine. I turn my head to look at Carter and I try to put a smile on my face. He can tell I'm trying too hard to make the facial gesture and speaks.  
  
"I can tell when you're fine, and you're not fine." A moment of silence occurs between us while Carter tries to think of something to say. "Do you wanna talk about it?.....I mean, only if you want to."  
  
"No, it's alright. I'm fine." The words blurted out of my mouth. I want so desperately to talk to him, but I don't want to take the chance. The tears will stream down my face if I talk about it with him. I don't want him to see me like that.  
  
"Come on, Susan. I won't bite." Carter was soon standing in front of me. "We can pick up some ice cream and head over to my place, or your place if you prefer." He took my hand and I stood up. We then started walking to the convenience store which was at the end of the block. The conversation until that point was the usual 'How was work today?' I didn't want to make a fool of myself in public so I avoided the subject of Little Susie. Carter knew I was avoiding it, but he respected my decision and acted as if everything was normal.  
  
Five minutes later we were walking out of the store with two pints of ice cream in the blue bag Carter was carrying; one Rocky Road and one Mint Chocolate Chip. We made our way to the El and ended up at Carter's house a few minutes later. Little was spoken between us on the train but I was preparing myself for the conversation to come. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
  
"Wow. You live here?" I asked, not so surprised but amazed at the beauty of the mansion. In front of me stood the grand building where John and his grandmother lived.   
  
"Yeah. It looks bigger than it really is." he said with a smile. I knew he was just trying to make me feel better, and for a split second I forgot about my worries.  
  
We walked toward the front door, Carter still carrying the now half melted ice cream. I looked around me, practically in a daze, and spotted a statue of a dog sitting on the step. It looked almost exactly like my neighbor's dog, Jobo, who Susie fell in love with. I felt a tear slide down my face but I quickly wiped my hand across my cheek. I didn't want John to see me cry, not now.  
  
Inside the mansion was even more beautiful than the outside, which is almost impossible. Bright flowers adorned every table. Oriental rugs were sprawled across empty floor space. The furniture was antique and looked as good as new. I followed behind John and we made our way to the second floor.  
  
We finally settled down in Carter's room, spoons in hand and ready to devour our ice cream. His room was huge, like every other room in the house, probably bigger than my apartment. There were photos hanging along each wall, each one telling a different story. One in particular caught my attention. It was the one of a young couple with a newborn baby. 'How perfect that must be' I thought.   
  
"You like that photo?" Carter asked.  
  
"What?" I didn't realize I was staring that much into the picture. "Oh....yeah. I like it."  
  
"Yeah, it's one of my favorites. My cousin, Chase, shot it, you know. He's very talented."  
  
"Must be great." I wasn't too interested in his cousin, and I must've sounded bored.  
  
"Sorry. I don't mean to bore you. I was only trying to make conversation."  
  
"I know, Carter. I appreciate it. It's just been a bad day, a really bad day."  
  
He placed his ice cream carton onto the table and sat down next to me. "Well, I'm here. You can talk to me about anything." His hand moved on top of mine and suddenly I felt different, a new warmth was inside me.  
  
I looked into his eyes and sat silent for a moment. I wasn't sure if I should tell him everything, but something told me that he is there to help me and for me to confide in. I took a deep breath and began my story. "They took Susie.....away from me." I couldn't hold back. The tears ran down my face and onto my lap. "I don't know what to do."  
  
Carter could clearly tell that I was hurt. His eyes filled with tears but he found the strength to keep them from falling. "Susan, I'm so sorry....." He didn't know what else to say. He pulled me closer to him and I rested my head on his shoulder. The tears soaked his shirt but he seemed unfazed, like it's his duty to keep me calm. Carter gently ran his hand through my hair, confirming that everything would be alright. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
  
A few minutes passed without either of us speaking. My tears were slowing and the only thing I could hear was the beating of his heart. It is such a comforting sound. Carter didn't need to say a word; his heart knew what to say. I found the courage to lift my head up and I caught myself looking deep into his eyes, a way I haven't looked before. There was something I saw in John, the loving and compassionate side. I've seen it before but only in the proximity of the hospital.  
  
Our faces grew closer without even realizing it, our mouths just inches away. This seemed like deja vu, flashback to that Christmas night.  
  
"Wait, John. We shouldn't do this." I can't believe I just said that, but I know that's how it must be. The ever infamous Resident/Med Student dating rule.   
  
"Yeah, I guess you're right." He pulled away, looking a little disappointed.  
  
The clock in Carter's room moved it's hands to 12 o'clock. There is only 6 hours before I have to be at work. "I better get going." I stood up and headed for the door, getting ready to thank Carter for his help tonight.  
  
"You shouldn't be alone tonight. Why don't you stay here?" He asked wearily. The expressions on my face must've been bad, enough for Carter to make a joke. "You don't have to sleep with me, unless you want to, of course." He smiled.  
  
A laugh came out of my mouth. He could always make me laugh. "Oh, really? I think I'll just take the couch." He smiled and went to the closet to get a blanket and pillow.  
  
"You know, Carter, I really need to thank you for tonight." I picked up the half-eaten ice cream cartons and placed them in the little refrigerator sitting against the wall. "I'd probably be losing it by now if I was by myself. Thank you for everything."  
  
Carter came back from the closet with a big, fluffy, white blanket and a pillow to match. "It's no problem, really. I'm sure you would've done the same if I were in your position."  
  
We laid the blanket on the couch and placed the pillow at the far end. "Yeah, I would've. You're a good friend to me."  
  
I laid down on the couch and wrapped the blanket around me. It was so warm, the same kind of warm from John's hands. My head hit the pillow and I closed my eyes. I could see the light still shining in the room through my eyelids until a moment later when Carter turned off the light switch. I heard his footsteps shuffle across the floor and go into the room where his bed was.  
  
"Susan?" He said, obviously in a different room. His voice was smaller and distant, but loud enough so I would be sure to hear him.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I'll only be a med student for another few days. I'm graduating next week, remember?"  
  
I couldn't help but laugh. "Carter, shut up and go to bed!"  
  
"Goodnight!" he screamed.  
  
"Night."   
  
Thoughts entered my mind about Susie. 'Is she ok?' 'Is Chloe taking care of her?' 'Does she even know who she's with?' Susie barely knows her mother any more than she knows strangers. I miss her so much already, but tonight did take my mind off of missing her for a while. The only way I'm going to get through this is if I have somebody to lean on. John Carter will be my shoulder to cry on, my therapy, my remedy.  
  
With that thought I felt as if I can get through all of this. My head was now clear for the day and I entered my dream for the night. 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
  
I awoke at 5 am. The smell of fresh coffee snapped me out of my dream world and back into reality. I imagined that Little Susie really wasn't taken away and that it was all a nightmare, but I knew I was only fooling myself. I kicked the blanket off my legs and stretched out my arms while I began to sit up.   
  
On the table in front of me sat a note scribbled on a napkin. The note read: "Meet me downstairs. -Carter" I was somewhat confused by this but I stood up from the couch and headed down the steps to meet Carter. He didn't have to be at work until noon, so I was a bit surprised he was even up at this hour.   
  
As my legs took me downstairs, I could hear the clattering of plates hitting a table. I assumed the noise was coming from the kitchen so I walked in that direction. John was rushing around the table to make sure everything was in it's place. As he turned around to grab the coffee pot from the marble counter, he saw me standing in the doorway.  
  
"Oh...good morning."  
  
"Good morning."  
  
"I wasn't expecting you for another few minutes." He pulled out the chair from the table and motioned for me to sit down.  
  
"The smell of coffee always wakes me up." My eyes wandered. I found stacks of pancakes, piles of bacon, freshly squeezed orange juice, and any other breakfast food you can think of, sitting in front of me, waiting to be eaten. "What's all this for?"  
  
"It's for you." A coy smile appeared on Carter's face. "I know you're going through a rough time right now, so the least I can do is make you breakfast."  
  
"Thanks, it's very sweet of you, although I don't have much of an appetite. You made all this yourself?"   
  
His smile grew wider and he confessed. "Well, not actually, but it's the thought that counts, right?"  
  
I smiled and answered his question. "Yeah, it's the thought that counts." I glanced down at the massive amount of food. "And I'd say you were very thoughtful."  
  
John sat down in the chair next to me and we began breakfast. Before I knew it, it was time to make my way to the hospital for work. Ugh. Work. I wanted to just stay here and do nothing all day. One day off would make my life so much better. Maybe not so much, but at least I would get 24 hours to rest and relax. But then again, that would only be 24 hours to worry about Susie.  
  
The food on my plate was barely touched as I headed for the door. "Thanks for the breakfast, but I really gotta get to work. I'll see you later, Carter."  
  
The glass John was holding quickly made it's way to the table and he got up from his chair. "Have a good day." he said as he walked me to the door.  
  
"I'll try." I walked out the door. "Bye."  
  
  
The glowing sign of the Emergency Room can be seen and the sirens of the ambulances can be heard from a distance. I am already emotionally drained and the day ahead would drain me mentally and physically. I approach the ambulance bay with caution and proceed through the swinging doors. Making my way to the lounge, I am interrupted by Kerry.  
  
"Susan, you're a little late, aren't you?"  
  
"Yeah, sorry, Kerry." A frown makes it's way to my face. "It won't happen again."  
  
"Damn straight it won't." Kerry heads off to help a patient and Mark brings himself over to me.   
  
"Having a good day?" he said sarcastically, hearing the conversation between Kerry and I.  
  
"I was until the wicked witch came over to chat." I smirked at Mark and he laughed in return.  
  
I finally made it inside the lounge and crammed my belongings into the thin locker. A picture of Little Susie hung on the back of the locker door. Her sweet face made me smile but then I was overcome with sadness and the tears started flowing. I can't keep living like this. She was my life, how can I go on without her?  
  
Chuny burst through the lounge doors. "Dr. Lewis, we got a trauma on it's way. Car vs. Pedestrian."  
  
I wiped my tears with my sleeve, making sure the nurse didn't see me cry. "Yeah...I'll be right there." It is going to be a long day. 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5  
  
Sitting on the couch at my apartment, I recap and gather my thoughts. It was a horrible day at the hospital. Too many people died today. As much as we all tried to help, they still lost their lives. Even though I know it's not my fault, I can't help but feel guilty about losing patients. This day has been so long and so painful.  
  
I light up a cigarette and puff, soon blowing the smoke out afterwards. A nice hot bath would certainly help me cope with everything, so I get up from the couch and shuffle off to the bathroom. My hands reach for the faucet and I turn the knob to hot and let the water run. After a few minutes of watching the water fill the tub, my clothes are thrown to the floor and I enter the warm bath.  
  
I sit in the warmth just thinking, about everything and anything. My thoughts are interrupted by the ringing of the phone in the next room. I decide I am too comfortable to pick it up so I let the answering machine get it.  
  
"Hey, I'm not here right now so leave a message."  
  
"Hi, Susan, it's Carter. Just wanted to say 'Hey' and see how you're doing, but I guess you're not home. Well, talk to you soon. Bye." He sounded a bit disappointed that I wasn't there to talk to him. He is being so sweet to me; I think he's the only one who knows exactly what I'm going through right now.  
  
I lost Susie, my niece, who was just like my own. He lost his brother when he was young. It's not the same, but when comparing losing two loved ones, it is. John needed to be strong for his mother, and I need to be strong for everybody else. But eventually he lost his strength, and so am I.  
  
I notice the glistening of the razor sitting on the bathtub ledge. One swipe and it would all be over. No more worrying. No more stress. No more tears. No more pain. It is sitting there waiting for me to pick it up, almost screaming at me, and that's exactly what I did.  
  
The grooves of the razor fit so perfectly in my hand, as if it were made for me. Thoughts of Susie, Chloe, and John, entered my mind. What would they think of me if I performed this deadly act? Susie would never get to know her aunt. Chloe, what would she do? If she knew her accomplished sister did this, what would she become? Would Carter think it was his fault I did it? John....I can't leave him, not now.  
  
The razor splashes into the water from the force of my throw. I quickly dry myself off and unplug the stopper. What was I thinking? Why was I thinking like this? God, I need an answer.  
  
Still wrapped in my towel, I walk over to the answering machine and press the button to retrieve the messages. I hear John's voice and I feel calm, for the first time since breakfast. He is what I need. I promised myself that he was going to be the one to help me through this, but I have seemed to forget about that. With the tears steadily flowing down my cheeks, I pick up the phone and dial John's number.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Carter, can you come over? I really need someone to talk to, to just be here with me." It was too difficult trying to hold back the sobs.  
  
"Yeah, sure, Susan. I'll be right over."  
  
"Thank you, John."  
  
"Yeah, stay right there. I'll be there in a few minutes."   
  
I was relieved to find that he would be coming over, at least I would soon have his shoulder to cry on. But can I tell him what I had just tried to do? Will I be able to tell him that he needs to be my strength?   
  
Searching through my drawers I find an old pair of sweats and quickly put them on. After pacing for a few minutes I hear a knock at the door. I run towards the sound and turn the knob to find a concerned John Carter standing before me. 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6  
  
Immediately, I ran to him, the salty drops of water still dripping down my face.   
  
"Oh, John....thank you." My heart cried out to him as I wrapped my arms around his waist, both of us standing outside the apartment door.   
  
"Come on, let's get you inside." He suggested as he helped me move from the hall to the couch. I sat in the center of the seat while he sat in front of me on the coffee table. "Susan, what happened?"  
  
"John.....the razor.....I had the razor in my hand. I was about to......" The words muttered out of my mouth as if I was afraid to tell. I couldn't think clearly, everything was scattered around my brain.  
  
"Shh, calm down. Calm down." Carter knew exactly what I was trying to say.  
  
"I don't know what to do." I took a deep breath. "I can't do this anymore...."  
  
"It's alright, everything will be ok."  
  
I grew angry. I didn't want to hear a sugar coated response. "John, saying everything will be ok doesn't help at all. I almost killed myself! That is not ok!!"  
  
Carter was stunned by my response and retaliated, becoming a little pissed off. "Listen, I am trying to be there for you, but you know what? You don't seem to be appreciating anything I'm doing. I am trying. Maybe I can't make things better, but I'm trying, Susan. She is away from you, not gone forever. That's what I'm trying to make you see." He stood up and turned his back towards me.  
  
By this time my tears have dried and I have realized by John's outburst that he is right. Although I can see he is right, something inside me is still wrong and needs to be fixed. "I still need help. I know she is probably safe, and I know that Chloe will probably take care of her, but I still need her to be with me." Carter turned back around to face me. "What is wrong with me, John? What is wrong?"  
  
He sat back down on the hard table and took my face in his hands. "I don't know, but we're going find out. I am not going to leave you. I will be here for anything you need, got that?"  
  
Nodding my head, I agreed. I saw in his eyes the compassion I saw once before, and now the hurt created by me. Silently I whispered to John. "I need this."  
  
His face slowly moved towards mine. We both knew we were about to break the rule, but we still continued. Our lips pressed together, gently but passionately. A kiss emerged and we officially broke the hospital's code.   
  
Nothing was said after our moment, no 'I'm sorry's or 'I don't think we should've done that's. It felt right, it felt real. After a moment, John broke the silence. "You will be ok. I promise."  
  
I smiled a little, covering the frown that had been on my face the entire day. I knew he was telling the truth by the sincerity in his voice. "I'll be ok." I confirmed, a bit weary, but confident in my decision.  
  
  
TO BE CONTINUED? YES? NO? 


End file.
